so i know i talk alot. alot. and i really think it drowns out my true thoughts. i know that if i sit in silence more often i can hear those thoughts a bit clearer.. but silence and slowing down my life has always been a difficult task for me. and funny enough, having a baby has literally forced me to slow down, but in a different way. i feel busier and yet at the same time forced to slow down because of the huge amount of stress that i built upon myself. not only am i going out less often, and going to bed earlier, but i have been forced to isolate myself more often... to spend time alone, whether it is getting out of bed earlier or heading to the coffee shop when someone takes my son for an hour or two. earlier on i found it hard to leave john with someone, but after i did a few times i saw the benefits of the alone time.. whether or not i spent it wisely or not. whether i used the time - in silence - or online or reading. it was still a break from the crying and the demanded attention. this morning i got out of bed just before 6am. my cat was meowing outside my bedroom for some breakfast.. (usually its the other cat nipping at our hands/feet/licking my face/meowing to get our attention for breakfast) and either cat has the potential for waking john, so before he gets woke up, one of us get out of bed to attend to the cats. so back on track, this morning i got out of bed just before 6am to the meow's of my cat. i fed her and then made some coffee for myself. i like to read my bible in the morning.. and most mornings i plow through, trying to get in as much as i can before the baby wakes up. but today i just read one page... and it really spoke to me.. i read it a few more times. mostly it was to do with sitting in silence. and listening to God. about when you are in the dark, you are to listen, not to speak.. because if you speak, you will speak in the wrong mood. and it says dont speak to people about it, don't read books, just sit and listen.
now being a parent, there is so much advice out there - books, internet and people. and its all so different... and if you want to make the right choice - what is it??? if so much of the advice opposes eachother how can you make the right one for yourself? and for your baby? so as hard as it is.. i really need to listen to God.. i need to shut out the noise and listen in silence.. for the purpose of hearing my thoughts and hearing God. in society these days, its so go,go,go and so hard to fight against it... although there are people who do just that, but isn't it easier to go with the flow? i think it would be healthy to find a balance between the two. fight against it and go with the flow. hmmm.

"therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, esopecially the sin that so easily hinders o progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross becaue of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.
And have ou entirely forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you, his children? He said, " My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes those he accepts as his children."
As you endure this devine discipline, remember that God is treating yhou as his own children. Whoever heard of a child who was never discipline? If God doesn`t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children after all. Since we respect our earthly fathers who disciplined us, should we not all the more cheerfully submit to the discipline of our heavenly Father and live forever.
For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God`s discipline is always right and good for us because it means we will share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.

so we now have internet at home.. so hopefully i can keep up a once a week blog entry.. this year must be a year of change. must be a year of getting out of my head, out of my lazyness and learning to relax and balance my new life as a wife and as a mom. i can't believe john turns one year old in less than 3 months!

so over the past few months i have discovered that i have been having anxiety attacks.. i don't think they were super serious, but i was finding it hard to breathe, tightness in my chest and my thoughts were very blurred. after seeking some much needed help over the past few weeks.. i felt like yesterday was a day of freedom... for the first time in a long time.. everything about my day was the same, except how i felt on the inside. my day was long and busy and i forgot to eat lunch, and still got the same amount of hours of sleep the night before. but for some reason when my parents were invited for dinner by my husband, i had a quick thought of "oh no, i am gonna be so tired and don't have the energy to make them dinner, never mind clean up afterwords AND entertain them and get john ready for bed" but of course that was a worry thought.. in advance and really i had no idea how the night would turn out.. i was only thinking about how it usually goes.. but that thought of "oh, no" was very quick in passing... i felt like i made zero effort to push that thought away, but i just started putting the dinner together.. and D and my dad went to the store for some ingredients... it all came together smoothly.. and even when john was woken up (by my careless unwrapping of his new playpen an hour after he went to sleep) i still didnt get stressed (like i normally do) and D and i both comforted him back to sleep and he woke up 2 more times after that but i still got a great nights sleep..
so after all these events happening it seems like i did very little in my own control, but someone else was on my side yesterday.. it made me wonder if someone out there was praying for me yesterday... because it really did feel out of my control.. because control is something i dont have my head/hands wrapped around yet.. God knows when i will learn.

wow.. i am so insired, by my own writing. 2 years ago.. its been so long.. so much has happened so much has changed. is it prideful to say that i am inspired by myself? not too sure..
i have been down a tough road this past year. the last 2 posts were written (2007) just after i met darryl and since then got married and had a baby (the three of us to the left), moved to a basement apartment.. and now hope to get on track with our budget to buy a house this year. to find balance (that seems to be a constant goal) i hope to get a job in the next couple months.. somewhere that i can bring john with me or something in the evenings and weekends when darryl is home to watch john. another goal i hope to attain is to write here once a week.

so this week i have been looking into floral design classes that can help begin the process of starting my own business.. i think this is something i always wanted but not had the confidence to pursue... as i was speaking to a friend the other day she suggested that i begin with something online. and create business cards that i can distribute at bridal shops and elsewhere.. this got me really excited but i still lacked the confidence to do this without some classes..
i should begin classes the first week of august and i guess we will see what comes from it..

thank you God!

mysteriously
=
simultaneously arousing wonder and inquisitiveness, and eluding explanation or comprehension..

so easter has come and gone..

this weekend has been one of reflection and lazyness.. i wish it had a little more balance though.. i felt like i wasted away many hours.. especially on saturday watching almost 6 hours of tv.. ahhh!

anyways friday night.. (good friday) my church went over to centre island to celebrate the death of Jesus.. we had some quiet self reflection/gethsemane meditations.. and then we gathered together to read the crucifixtion/passion story.. and partook communion together.. it was beautiful.. a great view of the city.. to look on the city - to see the city that we live in - to see the city that we as a church are living in but not of... trying to be lights in the dark..
i went to walmer road baptist church yesterday morning.. so beautiful.. tears were pouring down while singing "we bow down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus" it was so appropriate for easter sunday..

so what am i doing with my life? i really want to get focused.. i feel like its an ongoing thing.. and not getting anywhere.. maybe i do need to quit my job... i suppose i should put in for a transfer first to somewhere more local and see how that goes over.. and then.. continue to pay off the debts.. really sacrifice stuff.. i should get my bike fixed again and then really budget myself.. take some partime courses and get myself on track.. i feel so yucky these days..